I just had a massive fight with my husband. One of those awful fights where you're feeling so completely misunderstood and full of self-pity and fuming rage that the voices of your kids pleading with you to stop fighting, and the knowledge that the windows are open and the neighbours are surely hearing and judging you aren't enough to stop you, because you both HAVE to get this rage out, and you can't see clearly until you do. One of those fights where, in the heat of the moment, you actually do hate each other, and wonder if you'd be better off apart, because you seem so fundamentally different.
So our boys got to witness this horrendous fight, which fills me with shame and regret, but they very soon after also got to witness our sitting down with each other and offering each other genuine apologies and clarity, and talking through our problems. They got to see us kiss and make up. And I know that parents aren't "supposed" to fight in front of their kids because it leaves them feeling very insecure and doesn't model appropriate responses to conflict and all that…except…without the fight, they would miss the making up. And what if that is a great lesson in itself? Perhaps I'm just trying to make myself feel better, but I 'm starting to think that witnessing 2 people who love each other fighting and hating each other in the heat of the moment, then coming together to calmly talk and repair what they fractured might jut be exactly the lesson that kids (particularly those who have siblings) need.
There's something about raging with someone you love and trust that allows for the release of pressure. Everything settles after an explosion; calms; there's gratitude that your loved one is still there, still loving. All the little resentments, the ways you take each other for granted - they're all put under the microscope for close and uncomfortable examination, and in the aftermath you return to treading carefully with each other, appreciating each other and your differences. Maybe our occasional awful fights aren't signs of a dysfunctional relationship between dysfunctional people. Maybe it's just the way that these two people, under pressure, release tension and reconnect, and show our kids how to fix the fractures of inevitable discord along the way…
P.S - F*#k the neighbours.
